Failure. Even the word itself gives me anxiety. But what I’ve learned over the course of this school semester is that being in the brink of failure can actually push you to succeed. I entered this semester thinking it was going to be a breeze and I will conquer all of my goals. Boy was I wrong. I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past 3 months and on a non-stopping train of responsibilities to fulfill. I’ve come face to face with feelings of failure more times than I can count. But every time, it becomes a slap in the face to wake up and start getting back on track.
From classes, the LSATS to worrying about finding a job after graduation—it all comes crashing down at some point or the other. I have a bad tendency to put waaay more on my plate than I can handle. My freinds are always telling me “your eyes are bigger than your stomach”. Overachieving, or trying to at least, is engraved in me somehow. I see others doing something and proceed to tell myself “hmm maybe I can do it too!” It’s a bad habit and it usually ends up consuming me. This semester is the poster child of that.
To be 100% truthful, I was super excited in the beginning of September and was ready to kick this semester. I was on top of studying, getting good grades and balancing my schedule. Instead of being smart and just continuing, I decided to add more to my list. I signed up for the December LSATs and got a job and still thought I can spend the same amount of time on school. Maybe I’m just personally awful at balancing all these things since tons of other people do it. If you are one of them, please teach me your secrets. But it was hard for me and when one thing failed, everything else started going downhill. I didn’t want to back out of any of my commitments because I am also bad at saying “no”. So I sucked it up, continuously said “yes”, kept it all inside and put on a smile.
Somehow letting go equates to failure and I was afraid of that. But whatever stays bottled up inside eventually overflows and hits you all at once. The last weekend has been my prime example. I was unable to study efficiently for my LSATs throughout the semester and it backfired on the exam. I did not have enough time to devote to my schoolwork after interning and now I am all backed up on schoolwork. Failure was staring me in the face. And I didn’t know what to do. It’s a scary feeling—the moment when you realize that all you’ve been doing has actually hurt you in the end. I’ve cried more times than I can count this past week…over everything and nothing. I had to sit down and remind myself that failure only consumes you if you let it. I told myself that I know I have it in me to do what I set out to accomplish. It’s still a roller coaster, but I’m working towards my goals lil’ by lil’ again.
I know these feelings of being down and feeling like I’ve failed are not going to disappear into thin air. Especially since finals are coming in a week along with papers to write, exams to study for and a full-time job to search for. But I know even at my lowest point I am fortunate to be strong enough to stand back up. One semester or one exam or one paper can’t define me. I want to finish college off with a bang and I can’t do it grumping around. I am trying to focus on one thing at a time and not to take too much on my plate. To-do lists are still my everything and I’m still trying to de-stress.
I tried to write this post many times before but was unsure of how to phrase everything. In the end, I just decided to pour out my heart for you all to read. Being personal and honest is what I want to continue aiming for on this blog. I am a very happy person majority of the time and I know I give off a sense of always being happy within my social media outlets. But failure comes in different forms for different people.
If failure ever approaches you, kick it in the face and let it know what you are made of and how capable you are. Know that those feelings of not being able to measure up to certain standards aren’t going to go away on their own. Continue at your own pace, take time to break down and cry it out, but make sure to rebuild yourself and know that no matter what, you are STRONG. Reach out to a friend, family member or even me to talk about it—you will feel better, I promise. Good luck on finals if you have them! Have fun holiday shopping if you are in the midst of that and remember that you are not alone in this!
until my next lil’ thought then!